Holding on

“Crucify the flesh.” A painful but necessary process. I don’t want to give God only half a heart – but that is what I am doing. The two most crucial passages in the OT are Exodus 34 (God’s love for us) and Deuteronomy 6 (our love for God). If I love God I will obey his commandments. I will do what he says. Not because he is imposing anything on me but that is a simple and straightforward application of love for our Holy God. Or do I forget he’s holy? Do I focus so much on the fact that he forgives me and gives me freedom that I forget to bow down before his holiness? And not just when singing Matt Redman’s Facedown but in my life, which is real worship.

I happened to pick up Kevin Prosch’s Kiss the Son to play over dinner. Passionate, heartfelt, authentic music. By the time I got to Holding on I was on my knees:

I’ve been tested and tried when you counted on me
But I failed you, oh I failed you
And the prayers I prayed, promises made
I could not keep them though I’ve tried

I should know by now that I can run to you
And you’ll embrace me, not forsake me
That it’s not my goodness, that caused you to love me
But in my failures you loved me still

And the weakness of God is stronger than the strength of man
And the shame is leaving now
This is what I want, to be drawn near, to be set free
There is now no condemnation for those who are in you Lord
I still want to walk with you, to talk with you, to hear your voice

I’m holding on to the hem of your garment
I won’t let go till the blessing comes
I’m bowing low at the foot of the cross
For you my Lord I would give it all

I’m holding on to the hem of your garment
I won’t let go till the blessing comes
I’m bowing low at the foot of the cross
To be transformed this is what I want

How many ways could I tell you that I love you, oh I love you
How many ways could I tell you that I need you, oh I need you
You always provide and you care for me
I’m so grateful, so thankful
Everything is mine because I am yours
What else do I need when there is no more

You could offer me things, silver-lined dreams
But to be transformed into the image of God, this is what I want
To be drawn near to be set free

And in all my mistakes I know you love me still
I want to know what pleases you
I’m broken Lord I’m broken Lord.

I used to think that the line, I’m holding on to the hem of your garment, I won’t let go till the blessing comes was rather aggressive towards God. What right have I to hold him to ransom like that? But no, this line simply expresses my recognition of my desperate need. And isn’t it this “blessing” that I’ve been waiting for (rather half-heartedly) ever since I saw it in a vision in October last year (1st blog)? This is what I want, to be drawn near, to be set free – that is what the vision was about and what I’ve been yearning for (rather half-heartedly) since: to be transformed into the image of God, this is what I want, to be drawn near, to be set free… My problem is that I keep on letting go. I do not keep hold of the hem of Your garment, and so I flounder around with no progress and no blessing... holding on...

Holding on with you . . . Michael